(Hint: It’s Your Self-Esteem)
Let’s paint a familiar picture that we’ve all experienced at least once in our life. You meet a new guy and he’s super charming. He’s funny, smart, well-mannered, and fun. You’re instantly attracted to him and want to dive headfirst into dating. But a few weeks or months later, you’re sitting there feeling confused and overthinking everything. One second you feel like you’re being too needy and the next second you feel like you’re not good enough.
He’ll text you when he feels like texting you, which is way less than you would hope for. He tells you he’s interested in you, yet he barely makes any time for you. He’s never brought up wanting to be serious with you, even though you feel like you’ve been seeing him long enough to be official.
If you are someone who constantly finds themselves in this cycle of dating the same emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, commitment resistant man over and over again, it’s not because of your bad luck with dating.
It’s your self-esteem. Your self-esteem will dictate how you should up in the world, who becomes naturally drawn to you, and who you decide to tolerate.
Let’s talk about it.
The Root of the Pattern
It all starts with how you see yourself.
Your romantic life is usually a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you don’t believe deep down that you are worthy of love, affection, stability, or being chosen, you will subconsciously be drawn to men who affirm your beliefs.
If you believe that you are unworthy of someone you will naturally feel the need to prove your worth to whoever it is you are dating. You might think this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because you could just find a guy who loves you and makes you feel secure, who won’t make you prove your worth to him. The reality is that when you have this belief about yourself, you will actually be naturally drawn to men who make you prove it.
*This core belief about yourself is something called your self-concept. I’ll dive deeper into what that really means later in this post.
“But I Have Confidence…”
A lot of people get really defensive when you point out their low self-esteem. I get it, it’s not an easy thing to accept about yourself. But the sooner you realize it, the sooner you can work on correcting it.
You might be thinking, Wait, I actually do like myself. I’m independent, I have goals, I’m not desperate. And yes, on the surface, you probably are confident in many areas of your life. But self-esteem is tricky.
Confidence says, “I’m good at what I do.”
Self-esteem says, “I’m worthy even when I’m not doing anything.”
The kind of self-esteem that shows up in dating and romantic relationships runs deeper. It’s not just about your achievements or how well you can hold a conversation. It’s about how safe you feel in being fully yourself, flaws and all, without fear of being abandoned.
And a lot of women have never been taught how to develop that kind of self-worth. We’ve been conditioned to be chosen, to be liked, to be desirable. So, we pour ourselves into being what we think men want, instead of being happy with who we are.
The Red Flags You Might Be Ignoring (Because of Your Self-Esteem)
Let’s go a layer deeper. If your self-worth is low (even unconsciously), you might:
- Stay too long with men who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or hot-and-cold.
- Overanalyze your own behavior, thinking you did something wrong to “scare him off.”
- Mistake intensity for intimacy, thinking chemistry means compatibility.
- Feel anxious when someone actually likes you because it feels unfamiliar or “too easy.”
- Focus too hard on whether or not he likes you rather than figuring out whether or not you even like him.
You’re not crazy, needy, or too emotional. You’ve just been telling yourself the wrong story about what you deserve.
The Science Behind Attraction
Humans are naturally drawn to familiarity, even when it’s not healthy. If you earliest experiences with love from caregivers or family members consisted of neglect or emotional unavailability, you might be associating those things with love.
So, when you meet a man who is stable, secure, and emotionally available, it can feel boring. You’ll think of any reason to sabotage the relationship and go find something more familiar.
The, when you meet someone who triggers those familiar feelings (i.e. making you win them over) you’ll subconsciously feel comforted by this feeling and it’ll make you want them even more. You might even convince yourself that this is the one and only person for you because it feels so comforting and you don’t have another frame of reference to go based on.
Understanding Self-Concept
Your self-concept is what dictates everything in your life. If you want to understand why everything in your life has turned out the way it did, take a look at what your self-concept is.
Self-concept, by definition, refers to the mental image one has of oneself, including psychological and physical characteristics, qualities, skills, roles, and how one perceives themselves in relation to others.
Self-concept is the thing that drives almost every decision we make. The reason for this is because we make decisions based on what we believe we are. If you believe you are meant to be an accountant, you will actively seek education and jobs in accounting. If you believe you are a fit and healthy person, you will naturally choose to eat healthy and keep your body active.
Your self-concept in dating is exactly the same. If you believe you are someone who always gets overlooked, you’ll naturally seek out partners who don’t prioritize you. If you believe you are not worthy of love, you’ll seek out a partner who is emotionally unavailable who makes you prove yourself to them.
Self-concept is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The beliefs you have about yourself affect your choices which then lead to your current circumstances.
Healing Your Self-Esteem
This is the number one thing you have to do to break the pattern.
Here is a step by step guide on how to do this:
1. Build Awareness of Your Patterns
Awareness is the first step. As yourself the following questions:
- What type of men am I usually attracted to? What do they all have in common?
- How do I typically feel when I’m in these relationships?
- What belief about myself gets activated when things go wrong?
2. Get Clear on Your Relationship Standards
Get clear on what your non-negotiables are. This is a list of qualities that are essential in a future partner. These are not surface-level things like how much money they make or what their interests are. These are things like consistency, emotional availability, communication, honesty, etc.
The key here is to get real with yourself about what you will be willing to walk away from. Make a promise to yourself that no matter what happens
3. Heal the Parts of You That Feel Unworthy
This takes time but can be done with some very simple steps.
Take a moment to yourself and close your eyes. Picture yourself as a child standing right in front of you. Ask the child version of you how she’s feeling. Is she feeling unworthy, unchosen or unloved? Tell the child version of you what you need to hear.
Get used to having these conversations with yourself regularly. Over time you will start to see a shift in the way you take care of yourself.
This will teach you how to be there for yourself in ways that nobody else can.
4. Stop Chasing, Start Choosing
Once you are able to be your own source of love, comfort, and validation, you will start to become unstoppable. You will no longer be seeking these things in men or other people.
This gives you the power of choice. Since you no longer feel like something is missing inside of you, you’ll start to view romantic partners as someone to add to your life rather than someone who will fix your life.
What High Self-Esteem Looks Like in Dating
Dating with high-self esteem looks vastly different than dating with low-self esteem.
When you have high-self esteem you:
- Take your time getting to know a person to properly analyze their behaviors and qualities
- Don’t settle for situationships
- Don’t overthink or obsess over someone else’s mixed signals
- Aren’t afraid to say what you are looking for (ie exclusivity, consistency, etc.)
- Walk away from anyone who displays any of the qualities on your non-negotiable list
- Are okay with being single until you find the right person
It Doesn’t Always Feel Empowering
Walking away from something you wanted to work out doesn’t always feel like a bad bitch moment.
The hard truth is, no matter how high your self-esteem is, choosing yourself does not always feel good. Sometimes choosing yourself is actually the hardest thing you can do. You might cry and feel grief or even question your decision after walking away from someone.
It’s normal to feel sad or want to take some time to yourself to heal. This is a part of growing your self-esteem and confidence.
Remember, no wound is ever permanent. You will heal with time. Trust in your ability to grow from your experience and know that it will bring you closer to the person you ultimately want to become.
Final Thoughts: The Relationship You’re Really Craving
The relationship you are actually craving is with yourself, not with a guy.
When you finally learn how to be the love of your own life, you will start looking for people who enhance your life rather than take from it.
Chasing guys who don’t want you is only a symptom of your belief about yourself. Your belief that you are unworthy of him in the first place, and he is something to be won.
When you stop chasing guys who don’t want you, you create space for the guys who do.
It all starts with the decision and commitment to yourself to change your self-concept and raise your self-esteem.
Raise your self-esteem, and the quality of your relationships will rise with it.
You are worthy of love that feels easy. Love that’s certain. Love that doesn’t make you question your enough-ness.
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